Out With The Old, In With The....Wait, Do You Really Need New Clutter?

There Janet was, peacefully washing dishes one evening, when suddenly a loud thumping and banging sounded from the front walkway. The clamor continued through the front door and down the hall. Alarmed, she peeked around the corner with some trepidation.

The source of all the ruckus? Her 6-foot-3 husband Ralph, angrily wrestling the giant outdoor garbage-can-on-wheels through the narrow hallway. Directly into his packed-to-the-gills home office.

"After years of my suggesting that he clear the mounting debris, he finally took action," Janet explains. "But instead of taking his time to carefully sort through it all  -- for example, separating aged pizza boxes from working laptops, brand-new wireless routers from ancient modems -- he was furiously tossing it ALL in the garbage!"

What a sight to behold!  Normally a sweet-tempered guy, Ralph was finally fired up and fed up with the mess. Janet took safe cover in the laundry room until the storm blew over.

Ralph, in suddenly leaping from one extreme to the other (from "underdoing" to "overdoing"), provides an excellent example of how ADHD symptoms create problems in dealing with stuff.  To be sure, though, plenty of other ADHD-related traits can contribute to the pile-up. 

In fact, you could say that ADHD and clutter is a match made in….well, not exactly heaven.  "Walking into my apartment feels like entering Dante's seventh level of hell," laments 53-year-old Steve, eliciting groans of recognition from almost everyone at our Adult ADHD discussion group in Silicon Valley.

Other group members chime in to say they often feel consumed by their clutter ("just looking at it exhausts and depresses me"). But do they always articulate this frustration to themselves or others, especially their partners?  Sometimes not. Perhaps because then they will be expected to do something about it. And if they knew what to do about it, they'd have done it already!

Now for the Partners' Perspective

Consider these sample reports from an online support group for the partners of adults with ADHD (sponsored by CHADD of Northern California but open to the public) and see if they resonate for you:

(Please note: I share them here not to be "negative" but to help break down barriers.  Many couples are bearing silent shame and sometimes loud resentment about the mess that is their home; most hardly suspect that specific ADHD-focused solutions can help pave the way to calmer cohabitation.)

• "Over the many years we've been together, I have developed an ability to not see things -- mess, stuff my husband is hoarding, his unfinished projects. I block them out of my consciousness. It's the only way I could cope. Otherwise, I was constantly nagging and he was arguing with me.  The downside was when visitors came to our house, then I suddenly saw things through their eyes and felt so embarrassed. Lately, I have been doing more myself to keep on top of it. It's hard not to be resentful that I bear most of the burden, but at least I feel better when the place is somewhat clean and orderly. I can think better, too."

• "The only way we've survived through 20 moves over 30 years is that I have always disposed of my husband's junk.  For him, it was always 'out of sight, out of mind.'  It usually worked, except for the time we ran into a guy on the street wearing his one-of-a-kind tattered flannel shirt.  My  husband poked me and said,  'Amazing! That guy has the same amazing shirt that I have.'  A few minutes later, 'Hey, that IS my shirt.'   Oops."

• "My wife buys multitudes of things because she's going to 'make a mint' selling them some day. Occasionally, she actually lists something on eBay but puts the price so high that nobody bids. Same with Craigslist. People call and offer very reasonable sums for the boxes of designer shoes cluttering the bedroom, but she wants full retail price. Is there something in ADHD that makes people over-value objects? She sees so much potential in junk and is constantly dragging all these 'great finds' into the house.  But I can hardly breathe for the 'unsold inventory'!" 

• "My girlfriend has a million 'creative projects' going at once and never finishes any of them. But she's afraid that if she puts them away, she'll forget them entirely. So every flat surface is covered, including the floor!

• Finally, from years of living a partner who has ADHD, Sheila analyzes the traits that seem to add to her partner's expanding flotsam and jetsam:

1. Afraid of losing something important.
2. Afraid of not making a good judgment as to whether something should stay or go (poor decision-making).
3. Special emotional significance of the object (if she holds onto her mother's rusted cheese-grater, she'll hold onto more memories of her mother).
4. Fear of being poor (if she has stuff, that means she's not poor; if she has stuff, then she can survive if she becomes poor).
5. No clue where to put the object (poor organizational skills and no sense for setting up structures).
6. Even when there's a place to put it, it's difficult to put the object away (little motivation for tedium; poor follow-through).
7. Out of sight, out of mind  (she needs to see her stuff; otherwise, she might buy a replacement!).

Helpful Strategies: From Chaos to Clarity

It must be said: People with ADHD often have the best of intentions about "getting organized." They load up on books, planners, software, and gadgets with great zeal.  Still, many seldom achieve sustained success. Why is that?

In part, it's because standard organizational strategies don't work for most adults with ADHD, say the authors of the book ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life (psychologist and veteran ADHD expert Kathleen Nadeau  and knowledge-management consultant Judith Kolberg, founder and former director of the National Study Group on Chronic Disorganization). Simply put, these generic strategies fail to factor in ADHD traits such as inconsistency, forgetfulness, and a low threshold for tedium.

I've seen tech-savvy adults with ADHD plow through planner after PDA, always chasing the latest technology and organizational gurus. Trouble is, they forget to carry the planner or PDA with them, forget to refer to it, and frequently misplace it.  In short, they haven't implemented ADHD-focused strategies for using the darn things.

In their book, Nadeau and Kolberg offer many strategies for taming the disorganization. Central to the effort are the three S's:

1. Support: 

This is includes self-support (examples: avoid perfectionism by setting reasonable goals; replace negative self-talk with encouraging affirmations; recognize your progress instead of focusing on all that's left to be done).

It also means asking for support from friends and family or professionals, such as ADHD coaches and ADHD-focused professional organizers.


2. Structure: 

Folks with ADHD get into trouble when they rely solely on "mental" structure – that is, trying to sort things out in their heads.  They gain better, much more consistent results by externalizing structure. Examples:

• Creating visual organizing systems (here's a great tip for keeping workshop tools tidy - creating "shadow" placeholders)
• Breaking down an overwhelming task into concrete do-able bits
• Establishing a step-by-step plan, etc.

3. Strategies: 

Make that ADHD-specific strategies, of course, such as this sampling from the book:

•  "Organize for reasons that matter to you."

Shoulds and oughts aren't the great motivators for anyone, but especially people with ADHD.  Clearly identify how streamlining your stuff will benefit you. (Examples: Less anxiety, a more harmonious relationship, more room to have fun, etc.)

• "To get organized, get energized."

When she's tackling kids-room pickup, my friend and former disco-queen Patty summons motivation by playing her favorite dance tunes. (Of course Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" is a favorite!) Bonus: Since both her young children have ADHD, they're learning from mom that chores don't have to be a giant drag.

• "Be a sprinter, not a long-distance runner."

"Being a sprinter means dividing up organizing projects into small pieces that can be completed, from start to finish, in one dash," say Nadeau and Kolberg. "That way, you're less likely to be interrupted, to tire of the project, or to become distracted."  For example, instead of organizing an entire room, focus on one corner or one set of drawers. If you find it hard to tune out the rest of the mess while you focus on one spot, follow an example shared in the book:  Cover it up with sheets!

• "If decision-making is not your strength, accumulating things will be your weakness. Always subtract before you add."

When it comes to everything from items to commitments on your time, follow this rule: "I won't add anything new until I finish or eliminate what I already have." (Managing time is a key component of managing stuff.)

• "Create a 'crisis' to stimulate de-cluttering!"

The authors recommend a manufactured crisis as preferable to a real one.  In other words, create a deadline. Want that dining-room table cleared and the living room reclaimed?  Invite company over.

• "Reward yourself with experiences instead of things."

In a lecture I attended years ago, Dr. John Ratey shed important light on ADHD-related "shopaholic syndrome."  He explained that dopamine (the "reward" neurotransmitter) is released upon anticipation of buying something, not in actually having the thing.

This would explain the steady dopamine feel-good flow as eBay bidders anticipate close of auction and finding out if they've "won" a coveted item.  It would also explain why these coveted items often end up in the closet, unopened. The thrill was gone the minute the transaction took place. In other words, rewarding yourself with things is like a squirrel chasing it's tail: a never-ending game. And one that usually gives you something new to feel anxious about: mounting credit-card bills.

The Bottom Line

Sure, change can be hard. But for late-diagnosis adults who long ago exhausted their optimism on non-ADHD-savvy "get-organized" strategies, it's heartening to know: Informed strategies do make a difference.

So, if you've been procrastinating on heartfelt New Year's resolutions to curb that chaos, start now with a new attitude and a willingness to consider new habits, advises Holly Graff, an upstate New York-based certified-professional organizer who specializes in ADHD.  Most importantly, she advises, start NOW.  That is, with these three guidelines in mind:

N – No need for perfection.

O – Ongoing organization (not a one-time event)

W –Work in one small area or section at a time (30 minutes)

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Has ADHD-related clutter affected your relationships?  Please share your stories and your strategies. You're bound to find good company -- and at the same time provide support to others.

-- Gina Pera