To Sleep, Perchance to Turn Off That *&$@# Computer

Being new to the area, my husband and I got lost on the way to our first adult ADHD discussion group in downtown San Francisco. Some heated bickering later ("You said to turn left!" and "I didn't mean that left!"), we finally arrived and caught our breath. That's when a worn-out looking man across the table said something that sticks with me, ten years later:

"I've blamed a lot of people in my life for my troubles, but when it comes down to it, I finally realize that I am my own worst enemy. For forty years, I've not only opposed what other people want me to do, I've opposed what I want to do."

      We've all heard that adult ADHD can create problems in relationships, but this man's epiphany struck some foundational truth: Having ADHD can create problems in your relationship with yourself, never mind someone else.

     No matter how much you want that healthy diet, that uncluttered home, or that comfortable bank account, unaddressed ADHD symptoms mean you can't always initiate and maintain the necessary steps to get there. Add another person to the equation, and the potential for misunderstanding and hurt feelings reaches dizzying proportions.

Sleep  Challenges Affect Both Partners

Take sleep, for example. More than half the respondents to the ADHD Partner Survey identified their mates' ADHD-related challenges with sleep as a big problem, almost as challenging as difficulties in listening, remembering, and organizing.

      In fact, an amazing number of my friends with ADHD tell me that they fight sleep—actively, resentfully fight it. As Brad explains, "Gina, going to sleep is about the most boring thing a person with ADHD can do—just lie there in the dark waiting for something to happen." Miranda says she pushes herself to cross an impossible number of to-do items from her impossibly expanding list each night until she finally collapses into bed, too tired to fight it any longer.
      Glen says that, by age 45, he'd grown weary of the mental battles he'd wage with himself about going to sleep. Of course he knew he needed a decent night's sleep in order to function the next day; he's not stupid. But just the thought of going to bed at a decent hour triggered the infamous "ADHD oppositionality." He staved off sleep by watching TV while scanning every news headline worldwide on the Internet.
      Finally, he started trying to sneak up on himself, so as not to trigger the opposition. "So," he says, "now I tell myself, at about 10 each night, I'm not going to bed now. I'm just going to put on my sleep shirt. A few minutes later, I'll turn on the bed-stand light, all the while assuring myself, I'm not going to sleep now, I'm just turning on the light." In his heart of hearts, though, he fiercely rejects the illogic of spending precious hours sleeping when he is so behind on… everything. Finally, he's started to accept that more hours won't make a difference; it's a sea change that's needed.

You Mean I'm Not the Only One with This Problem?

Until recently, these three adults assumed that their difficulties around sleep were their own insoluble personal quirk or flaw. Finally, they learned about ADHD, did their research, and discovered they weren't alone in their challenges, including the nocturnal kind. ADHD neurobiology itself seems associated with higher-than-average sleep disorders—such as sleep apnea, delayed sleep phase, and restless leg syndrome. Moreover, these are often compounded by other ADHD traits such as disorganization and stimulation-seeking habits that keep many such adults glued to their computers or TVs when they should be dozing.
     If you are romantically involved with someone who has ADHD but neither of you recognizes it—or how it affects sleep, finances, communication, and so forth—it's easy to take the behaviors personally. Miranda's husband, Jeff, used to feel rejected when she'd delay coming to bed. He missed her company, missed enjoying sex with her. Moreover, "I felt like she was avoiding me, avoiding intimacy—running herself ragged all day, doing chores at weird hours,” Jeff explains. “She couldn't explain why she did these things, and, what's worse, she resented my even asking about it. Her defensiveness made me wonder if she might be having an affair."
     Such "couples troubles" could even bring you to counseling, where the clinician might completely miss ADHD and instead find deep, dark reasons why one of you refuses to come to bed. Fortunately, Jeff and Miranda figured it out: Lifelong struggles with undiagnosed ADHD had left Miranda feeling not only defensive but ashamed of sharing, even with her husband, her embarrassment about not being more organized, more efficient. So, she shut down and shut him out.
     As for Glen, he is not even currently in a relationship. So, he can't be opposing a partner's desires for him to come to bed; he’s opposing his own desires! If he doesn't start getting more sleep, he risks losing his job Finally, after talking with other adults with ADHD at a local meeting, he's decided to follow up on that long-ago diagnosis; perhaps getting help for his ADHD symptoms will help him gain better control of his day—and night.
     When you're living with adult ADHD—yours or someone else's—accurate information and solid support are absolutely essential. I hope you'll join me in future columns as we explore positive strategies and solutions. In the meantime, these five guidelines should help get you started:


1. Learn all you can from reliable sources. ADHD symptoms are highly variable and can turn up in the most surprising ways.
2. Practice empathy and forgiveness for yourself (and each other) for not discovering ADHD earlier.
3. Pursue evidence-based treatment strategies. With the right help, life can improve tremendously.
4. Nurture optimism. After years of trying and failing to alter problematic patterns, hoping for a different outcome can feel like a setup. It really does make a difference when you’re dealing with solid information (the ADHD diagnosis).
5. Get a good night's sleep—it will make everything easier!




Gina